Soup

I am having a hard time.

Mike and I four years ago celebrating my 40th
with a getaway to Alamos, Mexico. Heaven!

Before we left our life in Tucson, I remember hanging out in our bedroom that I now miss so much and telling Mike that I was looking forward to leaving everything behind.

''I don't need this." I seem to recall saying, and gesturing to our fabulous mud adobe house.

I think I said something about my home is in my heart, my home is with Mike...

Turns out I don't like being without William and Anna, my sister and her people, my dear friends and yes, I miss my house. I tend to be over/hyper confident, it is a family trait. My parents constantly told us we were amazing. I grew up feeling just a little bit sorry for everyone who wasn't us. I had imagined I would live this dream to the blanking max while laughing with triumph.

HA HA HA!

A British friend told me about seeing a healer who had her speak the words, "I am successful, I am successful, I am successful." And then "I am failing, I am failing, I am failing."

I had a frightening thought the other day, that what if something brought us back early to the US? What if we had to return now?

I think I would feel I had failed at this attempt to live our dream.

Windsor Castle
Notice black coat, will be featured later.

I read an article in the NY Times about smiles. The author says when we see someone smile, we unconsciously move our facial muscles and share a fraction of a smile. She claims that at this moment we connect and our brains have a small party. I miss the smiles of my friends who know me know me know me. I miss the party our brains have when we connect. I have diagnosed myself with SDS, smile deficiency syndrome.

Mike and barnacle.

Living here we are reduced to a foursome. It is an interesting change and I have noticed that with so much togetherness there is no hiding.

Our rougher traits are daily companions. Before it was easy to put my best self forward and retreat when my best self was nowhere to be found. And to avoid my family members' annoyinger parts. Here, there is no retreat. We have few distractions, no TV to veg out to, time zone difference limits phone life, we have few/no friends to run to, no babysitters to lighten the load.

I possess a myriad of flaws relating to lack of executive function. (Among others.) Mike is now more fully acquainted with sides of me that I would prefer stay mysterious.

I have been surprised by unexpected feelings of unconditional love from my husband, as my lame-ass side is revealed. I would have said before that Mike and I had unconditional love for each other, but I am not so sure we were as well acquainted with our "conditions." In our new life, it is what it is.

Actual tree, is it not perfection?

I feel a greater intimacy with my unskilled self. There is a new freedom in it and I feel cherished warts and all.

Mike, of course, continues to be dreamboat he always was.

Recently I discussed my desire to stop yelling at Dominic and Michael with Michael, which got out of control the week Mike went to Amsterdam (AKA Hamsterdam), while trying to get them out the door for school. Michael had four helpful suggestions.

Scary mommy?

1. Stop yelling.
2. Relax.
3. Don't wear your hair in a pony tail.
4. Stop wearing black coat (the one I put on every morning as we dash out door).

Date Night, Crowthorne Style.

I put myself out there with my family and I feel scared and vulnerable at times, and empowered and adored.

Simultaneous Ice Cream and Video Date Night.
Look for Janet Miller artwork and Mexican Flags!

Post Date Snuggles, Crowthorne Style.

I feel like this life is making of us a family soup stock. We cook in each other's presence, knocking into one another in the heat (figurative, of course, there is no actual heat to be had).

It is a sloppy business this family stock making. Michael, with obvious anxiety, asked a few weeks ago as he listened to Mike and I discussing this life...''Is mommy gonna cry again?" I assured him that no, I wasn't. Later in the day I sobbed, but fortunately he missed out on that one. He asked if daddy ever cries and said he really hopes to see him cry someday. "You will." I assured him, sad at the thought of what the occasion would be.

My sister has a new mantra, ''I have enough, enough for myself and to share with others." Isn't that lovely? I decided that I need a mantra. So I spent some time contemplating and one came to me.

''I belong here.''

Contrary to my true feelings, I am comforted by these words.

I belong here. I am cooking, we are cooking and we are not done.

When I look ahead from this point of view, I have a new excitement for the life that waits for us. I feel we will return, all of us, with a sacred stock, ready for the new ingredients that life will bring.

And a highlight of last week. A TOOTHLESS (actual tooth count was approximately three) old man I had never seen before popped up and said, "What do you call a woman who works like a man?"....(wait for it)..."LAZY!" Isn't that funny? The best part was the huge happy smile on his old adorable face. Our brains connected for a moment and all was well.

Now here is my recipe for chicken soup...


One chicken, lemon thyme, rosemary, olive oil, s and p
One fat yellow onion, minced.
2 ribs of celery with leafy tops roughly chopped
2 parsnips roughly chopped
1 turnip roughly chopped
1 cup roughly chopped rutabaga
1 cup roughly chopped carrots
4 cloves of garlic, roughly chopped or smashed
big handful of cilantro
T salt, t pepper (or to taste)
1 -2 bunches or a big bag of greens, chopped with stems (curly kale and rainbow chard are my favorites, but any kale or chard will do, spinach works as well)
1 medium sized butternut squash
1.5 cups of pasta
lemon
Parmesan or grana padano cheese


Preheat oven to 350 F, coat chicken with olive oil, sprinkle with chopped lemon thyme and rosemary, s and p. Roast the chicken covered, 20 minutes per pound, then uncover and roast additional 20 minutes or until internal temp is 180 degrees F, legs are wobbly and juices run clear. When you remove from oven, cover and let stand 1/2 hour. Remove meat from bones. (This step can be done day or days before, save carcass in freezer until ready to use.)


In a big soup pot, saute onions over low heat until caramelized. Mmmmm, smells so good! Don't let them burn. Add next 5 ingredients and saute until they start to brown.

Add garlic and saute 30 seconds.  Add chicken carcass and any remaining juices from roasting, cilantro, salt and pepper and boiling water to cover chicken. Cover, bring to a boil and reduce heat to simmer for 3 hours or so.

Meanwhile, halve butternut squash, remove seeds, rub inside with olive oil, sprinkle with salt, and pierce skin a few times. Cover cookie sheet with parchment paper, place halves face down and roast in 350 F for 30-45 minutes.

Strain the stock and return to the pot. Discard carcass and cooked veggies. Add pasta and kale, when cooked through turn off, add cooked roast chicken and scoop out roasted squash and add to soup. Serve with big squeeze of lemon and grated Parmesan or grana padano and some hot crusty bread.